antara realiti dan fantasi, sebuah ceritera adaptasi dari realiti menjadi fantasi. kebenaran atau kepalsuan, anda tentukan.
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Tuesday, July 6, 2010

perasaan. aku tak tahu nak control perasaan, especially bila tengah marah, or, takde mood. aku buat je apa aku rasa, without thinking the consequences, and thinking other's feelings. even depan parents aku, family, friends, relatives, on the road, at the gym, during my part time job sebulan setengah yg lalu, mana2 je, shopping mall, tengah tengok wayang, apa2 je yg aku buat, aku tak pandai jaga or control perasaan aku.

Pernah tak korang rasa, bila korang sangat la alone, and korang nak sangat orang or sesiapa la ada dengan korang.. tapi, orang yang ada dengan korang tu, tak macam membantu. What I mean is that, when you turn around, they are just people. Aku tak nampak kawan, or sahabat, diorang cuma, orang. As a matter of fact, diorang tu mmg kawan yg paling memahami paling best paling seronok utk ada dengan korang at all times, tapi, deep inside your heart, your feeling is that, "aku tak cukup bagus untuk ada dengan diorang". All you think is, "aku nak lari and tak nak berhenti, tapi, there's no reason for you to run," korang tak pernah explain kat diorang apa sebab korang jadi macam ni tapi, it is very difficult to do it.

Ok, next up. Have you felt like, you're just not good enough and can never be. You are the one who judges yourself. You can only see that, in every little thing you do, everything is just not right. Everything is going wrong. You only see yourself as, seseorang yang hanya tahu buat benda yang, semuanya salah tak betul tak cukup bagus tak perfect. I have this kind of feelings.

Pernah kena tinggal dengan seseorang? Someone yang korang sangat teramat sayang and one day dia tinggalkan korang. Ada dua jenis, satu, cerai hidup and cerai mati. Cerai mati, hurts, but, you still know you sedar orang itu, orang yg korang sayang, forever, tapi Dia lebih sayangkan orang yang korang sayang ni, and, Dia lebih mengetahui. Tapi cerai hidup, hurts the most. At one time, korang ada semuanya. Almost everything you want. (of course la ada some stuffs korang tak dapat kan) and, one day, one by one walks out of your life. Tak kira la, manusia ke, gajet ke, apa2 je la, satu hari, satu persatu, rosak, hati rosak, benda rosak, segalanya. While everyone else are perfectly happy, tapi, korang tidak. Orang yang pernah korang sayang, sekarang sayang orang lain. Orang yang pernah sayang korang dulu, sekarang sayang orang lain. Orang yg pernah korang sayang, tak pernah sayang korang. This is what we call karma. Harini kira buat kat orang, esok2 kita kena balik. Roda. Kadang2 kita di atas kadang2 kita di bawah.

Clueless. Tak tahu apa yg perlu buat dalam hidup ni. Kalau masih belajar, habiskan study tu. Kalau dah kerja, terus je kerja tu, and tak tahu bila perubahan akan berlaku. And, one day, you started to think, the world doesn't even need you. Or, there's no one who actually needs you here. There is a road. A long road. And you don't know where you need to turn to. Kiri atau kanan. Lepas tu, ada wall yang sangat tinggi, that you can't even afford to climb, and you can't even smash them, cause there's no way for you to smash them. And right after that, the road is still diverged into two, with no ends.

And then suddenly comes a feeling where you dont want to be here anymore. Where, all of sudden, korang rasa, you don't belong here. The feeling when you look at someone, they can only see your fake smile, fake laugh, your fake look. Diorang tak tahu how much pain your in. Only you, yourself knows that.

You feel dead, but actually, your still alive. It's like, korang tak pasti yang korang boleh buat apa2, sebab, takde orang tahu what you are actually feeling deep inside your heart, and, no matter how hard you tried, it doesn't seem to go away. Secara zahirnya you are happy, tapi, secara batin nya? You tried to build up the strength and happy emotion that you had once before, but it doesn't seem to work out very well. At last, you're feeling like nothing in the world is ever going to be okay again.

At the same time, you don't wanna blame to anyone out there, not your family, not friends, no one are to be blamed. It is written to be like this. All you can do is, just keep on walking, be strong. One day you will be okay. But, nak tunggu one day tu, it feels like, years.

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